Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.

#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

This is I, Robot all over again

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight