Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

Guy who likes music

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send