[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
At an art museum and I thought this was art
