[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d