[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
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Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.