[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
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Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?