Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?

Me: Well how much does the position pay?

Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays

Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?

Boss: Then we won’t hire you

Me: What if I underestimate?

Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work