Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.