[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.