Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…