i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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This could’ve been an email.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
I came this close!!!!
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.