Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

Perfection.

The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Reminds me of when I was young and the landscaper used to let me run bare feet over the freshly cut grass. Those days are lawn gone.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.