*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
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LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.