*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
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A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”