Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

Lionel Richie: hello.

Adele: it’s me.

Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?

Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?

Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in ufo]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.