Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*