Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know