[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Extremely relatable.
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision