Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

#titanic

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird