Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend

“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”