Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

this was very charming

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.

jury duty is a wild concept. whenever the government wants, they can just be like “call off work bestie, we need you to solve a murder 🥰 here’s fifteen dollars.”

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.