Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.