Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

[sexting]

HER: I want u so bad

ME: badly

HER: what?

ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb

HER: you don’t sext very good

ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL

[amazon dropping off my order]

Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!

Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!

Me:

Cat: Tomato Tomahto

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.