Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?