Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?

Me: It doesn’t matter.

Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?

Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”

~ Not an old Irish proverb

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:

-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching

me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]

person: take $6??

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.