Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

What my back needs

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

shakira sharkira

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

im all 3

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.