Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

This kid is going places

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?

Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.

Dora: *stares blankly*

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me:

Dora:

Me: *nervous sweating*

Dora: that was my favorite part too!

Me: Oh thank god

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt

A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.

Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.