Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

yea so i messed up lol

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

guilty

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Extremely relatable.