Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…