Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

This is the coolest video you will see today.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/690091589495033858/pu/vid/640x360/EEQg1opIwLNQpUo-.mp4

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff

Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.