Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

911: 911, What’s your emergency?

Me: It’s John again.

911: John, seriously!!!

Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

(Me,after returning from exam)

Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?

Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.