Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

Banderslack Clamberdorch

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning

Me: Haha, I saw that

Her: What?

Me: What?

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.