Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

do what now??

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.