[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here![]()
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PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
This is a bad sign
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Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers