Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.