Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

Covid like

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.