[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.