Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.