Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.

Son: That wasn’t you

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-

ME: My dog doesn’t like it.

REALTOR: But I-

ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick