[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Walking by the lingerie section
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Me: Uh huh.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Made something I’m not proud of
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
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