[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
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Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH