Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?

Nope just me back from the gym

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood