Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.

The Times are rough.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

peeping toms

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess