Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.

Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.