Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes

Wife: What about me and the kids?

Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*