[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course