[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”