Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.

[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”