Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

*seductively corrects your posture*

He-man has a Masters degree

Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.

Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

The first one, obviously

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

finally found a reasonable question

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot

Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction

I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.