Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green