Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume

me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word

Penguins walking in 5x speed

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

you’re damn right i have

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Siri: Retweet me.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

[receives death threat]

please stop flirting with me

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.