Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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911 what’s the emergency?

“How do u unburn pizza?”

U burnt a pizza

“Yes”

I’ll send a squad car

“Ok will they help?”

No ur under arrest

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

hi why am I like this

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

I put the p in pants.

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.