[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
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Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”