[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
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The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Hotels are back
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
bros in the example zone 😭
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Them: How corny are your jokes?
Me: Pretty corny
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.