[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.![]()
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
![]()
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Well, that didn’t work.
![]()
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
![]()
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
pizza
![]()
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”