Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.

– No child ever.

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…

Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂