Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
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WHY would you be happy about this?
Shower sex be like:
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself