Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
oppen heimer style lol
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.