Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
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The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
i just found this in my phone
Limited budget
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”