Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

*husband and I arguing*

Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏