Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

Feels like the fourth month in January

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician

Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…