Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.⁣

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

britain’s three elite institutions

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

Safety first

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

i feel so bad i refunded him

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.

Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]