Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
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I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
I’m giving up for Lent.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
me adding lol on a serious message
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…