Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

Schrödinger’s cookie

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.

If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed