“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
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Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Huge, if true.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Revenge served cold
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
