“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
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Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Please vote for people who are attractive
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
They’re the worst 😩
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?