Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.