Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

😭😭😭

In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

me: *walking my dog*

her: ah, what’s he called?

my dog: john

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!