Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.