being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
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With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
This one’s “Alex”.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??