being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
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My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Breaking news:
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Pickled cat.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this