being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
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Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Roombas should bark
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.