being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
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Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I’m not sorry.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(