being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
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Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
They got a point!
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Life is a suicide mission.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*