Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
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I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job