Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
You Might Also Like
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
How can I say no to this ?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.