Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

🧠

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.

#goodplan

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”