Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
You Might Also Like
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe