Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My inexpensive home security system…
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.