Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea