Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Discuss
![]()
![]()
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
![]()
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
![]()
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am