Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
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Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet