Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
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The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
True
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.