Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
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I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My daily affirmation
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”